The tale of the exploding earlobes

This is a gruesome foray into the incredibly weird universe that is my body. There are immeasurable amounts of stories to be told about this still young body, but this latest one is the most unnerving I’ve bared witness to, by mirror and feeling, in a quite some time. It got to the point of me wishing I still lived the apartment by the river of constant police-sirens and shootings, but sadly I moved out foreseeing that the police would make it their drugs-espionage headquarters soon, hence I can only re-enact it in written form and I have no witnesses.
On that note; I know I’ve neglected this blog for almost a week now, but I have a good excuse: I’m a lazy cunt, so get stuffed..

What cannot be more than a fortnight ago I obtusely decided to start enhancing the size of my earring-holes, for no other reason than to wear the earrings I bought at last years Roskilde Festival. The number of times I would wear them after putting myself through excruciating lobe-pain can only be assumed, but consumerism dictates me not to wear something longer than a firefly lives.
As I’ve stated before, I’m not the brightest of people and thus did not “read the instructions” of proper lobe-hole enhancement techniques. One is supposed to slowly and steadily push the earrings through the holes, from smallest to thickest over a course of days, if not weeks. I however closed my eyes tight, made a “this is going to hurt like a distressed kittens cry”-face and pushed the first earring through in one painful jab. I stood numbed by pain for what felt like hours. This was the first time I understood that the earlobe is not something to mock about with. Unfortunately the pain did not stop me from jabbing my other earlobe as well; I might not take delight in pain, but I was sure as hell not going to end up with uneven earlobes!

I withstood constant pain for two whole days. I could not get dressed, shower, sleep or shake my head with any particular force without weeping silently during and to the memory of the pain-hoopla. I’m still proud of lasting two days of this self torture, even though I’m already enduring comically tight pants, uncomfortable shoes and obscene amounts of make-up choking my skin.

Even though I’d given up the idea of lobe-hole extension I could not leave them alone for move than a few hours. I can’t be seen in public without the appropriate accessories! This led to a decision of a wonderful pair of earrings to wear while the stud-holes recovered and grew together again as they once where.

I had worn these earrings of pure vintage beauty with some discomfort for a few days when I woke up Sunday morning on an unfamiliar mattress on the floor of a flat in Grünerløkka. I of course fled the scene quietly and made my way home dizzily in what can only be describes as a walk of shame. My stockings ripped, my shorts suddenly seeming shorter than the day before, cars honking as they drove by and my eyes taking an awful long time growing accustomed to daylight. The Cocio on the other hand was palatable…

When I finally crashed down onto my bed I noticed that there was a substantial accretion of earlobe pain. I had no palpable explanation for this augment of pain suitable for my already bewildered brain-box, so I decided to pop the earrings out and give my earlobes some well deserved peace as not to have pain competing with my already throbbing head. I quickly and painfully removed the earrings to instant relief, but this relief was short-lived. I felt a sudden flow of something wet and unnerving running down my neck; I touched the neck-rivers and sure enough, as I looked at my fingers they were covered in blood. Blood from my earlobes, now bleeding profusely as a result of its newfangled naked freedom. I got up and stood in front of the mirror in awe of the magnitude of blood those little holes beheld inside them until I got a little dizzy and stopped the bleeding.

I can only hit myself on the front of my head and yell “GET SMARTER” about this and many other aspects of my life, but maybe this has been a learning experience for some of you… reader… and I’ll keep living what seems like a collection of amusing anecdotes and shameful stumbles until I actually get smarter!

Hare Krishna

Siren