Lets make fun of the Bible!

I’m feeling a wondrous spirituality bubbling in my boyish frame today. This might come as a surprise to some of you, seeing as how I have certainly mocked religion enough in my time. Maybe the reason for this sudden burst of worthless doctrine curiosity is the sound of the Top Gear lads beaming with dim-witted middle aged car-fancy from my telly, or perhaps it’s the overwhelming boredom of having nothing else to watch on the four channels my current financial state allows me, than a repeat of fat, greying, comically proportioned men cocking everything up…on purpose…in cars… I don’t even have a fucking drivers licence!

Growing up in a family of Jehovah’s Witnesses I’ve been lucky enough to read the Bible; numerous times. But even in a time in my life where I was increasingly susceptible to brainwashing of any kind, (I had Pogs, the Spice girls photo albums, the blue eye-liner and the “let’s go smoke behind the school” coolness) I could still sense that some of the Bible was just a smidgeon far-fetched… Until, of course, I found that the Bible also has a different name: The Gospel, which means infallible truth. Well then, that’s settled, screw you Darwin!

Let us then look a little closer at this “infallible truth,” not all of it of course, but the funny bits: creation!
1: In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
How? What did you do? Snap your fingers, do a little jig and there it was? Do you have fingers? Who the hell are you? Are you saying that were too stupid to understand the ways of God in this lack of detail? Then why didn’t you just make us smarter? I could have had a life without walking into glass doors, bumping my head on the car roof every time I get in or out and drinking to much!
3: And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.
What?! You created the heaven and the earth in the dark? Not so smart now then, stumbling around in the universe, pretending that it only took seven days to make it all, but really you spent ages stumbling around in an eternal darkness, waving your arms around like a confused blind cripple trying to find his way back to the wheelchair some little “miracle” moved to the other side of the traffic-riddled street, trying to find what you just created.
4: And God saw the light, that it was good
Every one wants to be their own critic…

I feel I am being a little flippant and disrespectful about these divine scribblings of men undergoing a schizophrenic discourse with a deity to explain our presence here on earth; but why would a supreme being create the Garden of Eden where man, woman, plant and animal could live in perfect harmony only to create a tree you’ll die from eating of and an evil blabbermouth-snake whose sole purpose is to reek havoc and gain power? It’s an accident waiting to happen and moreover, it’s a snake, just kick it out! You created it!
Where was God when snakey-boy persuaded Eve to eat from the tree anyway? Did he pop out for a fag? Take an ill-timed nap?
It almost seems like God made it all happen for fun. This is where we got the idea for reality television, someone with too much power puts innocent people in an impossible situation and watch them making complete twats of themselves.

At least God took the moral high ground and punished them for his own creative mistakes… Adam has to work and sweat in the fields and Eve is bestowed pain and sorrow in childbirth and they will both die at some point. Not ideal, but its something we humans can live with. The snake on the other hand, the one who started it all with his evil ways and serpents persuasive tongue and who was probably expecting the ass-whooping of a lifetime. What was his extravagant and somewhat irksome punishment? "Upon thy belly shalt thou go…" IT’S A SNAKE! He’s already on his belly, it’s one of the paradigmatic characteristics of a snake to be ON HIS BELLY…

I think I might be feeling something other than Christian spirituality and that I should stop writing before I get killed. It might be to late, but Moses is just making it to easy to mock in this superficial way!

Hare Chrishna

Siren